three men and a journal: reflections on pursuing the one relationship that matters most

Over the past couple of weeks, we’ve talked a fair bit about the drawbacks of online dating. Today’s guest post, written by one of my dearest friends, shares a slightly different perspective:

Just over a year ago, I began having a discussion with God about my hopes and dreams for marriage. I’d been talking with a friend, and as we talked, she told me how she had begun to ask the Lord for a husband. For some reason, it had never occurred to me to spend time talking with the Lord about this desire to share my life with someone. I was inspired.

For years, my inner dialogue has been along the lines of, “it would be nice to marry some day”, and I really long for that person to share life with – struggles, joys, excitement, fears – someone to ‘do life with’. But how was I ever to meet someone? As time has passed, I have become aware of the relatively small number of people that I know who are single and at a similar age and stage in life as I am. I began to consider that getting to know someone might need to involve online dating.

I’ve never really been a fan of online dating. I have heard many stories of both success and devastation. I am someone who likes to play it safe. I would much rather meet someone that friends know and think would be great for me than take a risk and meet a total stranger. (This likely has something to do with the fact that I am relatively introverted and the idea of meeting and socializing with total strangers really never makes my list of fun things to do.) But as I began to dialogue with the Lord, I acknowledged that the Lord can use all kinds of tools, perhaps even online dating.

I remember expressing to the Lord on the eve of 2014 of some of my expectations and things I dreamed He would do in the year ahead. I just didn’t expect what He would do or how.

When a door opened for me to get to know someone in February, I jumped in with both feet. We had met online years before, but this time we met in person via mutual friends. I was so excited…. I had experienced a significant drought in the dating department for years, and finally someone was interested in me!

I had gotten caught up in my career in ministry and was completely content, which in a lot of ways I believe is key. Only after I had experienced becoming confident in who I am and who the Lord has created me to be could I be open to finding out what life with a partner could (and should) be like. I really believe that I needed to discover who I was before I could step forward into a world where in reality two wholes make a whole (or complete) relationship. So when this relationship came along, I felt ready!

In the beginning I was just excited. I asked the Lord to lead and guide (at least I’m pretty sure I did). After praying for so many years (off and on for a number of years, but with more persistence and fervor the last few months), I was optimistic that this would work out! When it didn’t, I was surprised, and I didn’t know what to think. I asked the Lord what He was doing.

The Lord really spoke to me through scripture during this season (although not right away). I stumbled upon this verse: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” ~ Proverbs 3:5-6. Some days I asked the Lord what He was doing, or told Him how I felt, but then I would repeat these verses again, claiming them as my hope.

I prayed a lot during those weeks, trying to understand what the Lord had in mind through this experience. One night at my small group, the question that came out of our discussion was: “What does the Lord want to say to you?” As I sat there in the silence in the middle of our little community, the Lord said, “Let it go.” This was the beginning of a season of listening.

After I finally realized I needed to close that door, I was open to finding someone else. My heart had been opened and I wanted to look for what God might have for me. I stepped out and got online. I was surprised when very quickly I began to get to know someone. I prayed a lot about this new potential someone. I walked so carefully through those days, determining if this was someone I wanted to get to know. I felt like the Lord was leading me to get to know this person, so we began to spend time together.

When he called things off after a short while, I was once again surprised. I expected the Lord to again tell me to “let it go”. But he didn’t. Instead, God laid things on my heart to pray for this man – very specific things, things that I actually had no idea why I was praying. Several weeks went by and when we met again, I discovered the role I had been playing in intercessory prayer. Although the outcome (in terms of our relationship) did not change, I am so thankful that I listened to what the Lord said to me during that time.

It took me quite awhile to digest these two experiences. They were both incredibly exciting and disappointing. But in the midst of both experiences, I had discovered, or rediscovered, that God really does speak to me. I was forced to dig into the Word, and to spend more time in prayer, because some days I just didn’t know what to do or what to think… So I asked the Lord for help – and He carried me through those days! The Lord was so faithful and allowed me to experience Him in a way that I never had before.

Later in the year, I started getting to know yet another person I had met online. With this man, there have been fewer ups and downs. He has a solid relationship with the Lord, and truly loves the Lord with all his heart – but I’m not sure that it’s enough. For me, it is important to find a spouse who loves the Lord, but the other things that make up a relationship, like chemistry and how you live your life – those things are important, too… and for that reason, I’m not sure how long this relationship will continue.

So where does this leave me? Well, no matter what will be written in the course of my life story, I know two things: 1) I will never know all of the answers, and 2) The Lord always will. And whether I ever marry or not, in the midst of every relationship I have, I get to rediscover how much He loves me, how much He wants to carry me and wants me to run to him.

I’ve had the opportunity to meet several great men throughout the course of this past year who all have amazing qualities and are each on their own journey with the Lord, which helped me begin to discover what is important to me in a spouse, the things that matter to me, and the things that I value.

My dating experience has been full of ups and downs, but I’ve learned a lot about myself, and even more importantly, my relationship with the Lord was strengthened. The Lord was so faithful to walk with me step by step along the way, and I’ve heard Him speaking so clearly. I know He has me in His hand! I’m looking forward to this year, to what the Lord has in store, and how He will show himself in my life.

© 2015 Cheryl Upton

Cheryl Upton is the Technical Arts Director at The Peoples Church in Toronto, Canada. While technically a technical artist, she considers herself a little more artist than technical, and loves creating moments in which people can experience God. In her free time, Cheryl enjoys revisiting her creative roots by playing piano and guitar, as well as spending time outside with God in His creation – walking, hiking, gardening, and from behind the lens of a camera. You can connect with Cheryl on Twitter or Instagram.