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A few years ago, I was out for dinner with some friends, and I saw a woman dining alone at a candlelit table by the window, with a glass of wine and a book she was obviously enjoying. And I thought, that’s brilliant. I never would’ve thought to do it – taking a book to a nice restaurant like that – but I admired her for it.
I’d like to tell you that I’d have the guts to do that on Valentine’s Day. I don’t. But I’ve taken books to restaurants on other occasions since then, and let me tell you – a good book can be a great date, even if the wait staff does look at you a little funny.
February is probably the toughest month of the year for people who aren’t in a romantic relationship. Oh, we might smile and say we don’t really care, and some of us genuinely don’t (at least not right now this very minute) – but for others of us, February 14th can’t come fast enough – because once it gets here, there are only 24 hours til it’s over.
Which is why I’ve chosen February to run this series on singleness and the Church.
To my fellow single readers: this one’s for us.
And to my married readers: I’d really like to ask you to stay with us. I think there will be some great content in this series for you, too.
I’m going to own it right up front: I know I have a biased perspective. I’m a single woman, never-married (haven’t even dated much), and my context is the North American evangelical church. So when I talk about the Church in relation to being single – it’s that church I’m talking about. I am very aware that being single in a Catholic church can be a different experience. I am also aware than being single because you’re divorced is different than being single because you’re widowed, that being single as a girl is very different from being single as a guy, and that being a single mom or a single dad is its own thing, too. Throw in different countries and cultures and one wonders how anyone ever thought “single” could describe all of us at once.
There are some similarities for all of us, and I’m going do my best to address those – but if you’re coming from a different perspective, I would really love for you to weigh in. Comment, if you would, or if you find you have a lot to say, drop me an email, and let’s talk about a guest-post. (I already have a few guest posts lined up from varying perspectives, and I’m really looking forward to sharing them with you!) For this month, I want to host a conversation about what it’s like to be single in the Church, and talk about the ways it’s amazingly awesome – as well as some of the ways it can be terrifically awful. You don’t have to agree with anything I say – I’m okay with that – but I’d love it if we could talk about this.
And here’s why: all too often, singleness is looked at as something to be fixed.
These are the things we ask and say.
But I think we need to take a good long look at why – and whether any of it is helpful, no matter how well-intentioned.
Are you with me?
Then by all means, please order a glass of wine or a cup of coffee, and pull up a chair. I want to tell you about this book I’m reading…
Jake Winter
February 3, 2014I think it’s interesting that there really is this idea that if you’re single, you really need to fix that, as you pointed out with those comments folks often have when they know you’re not dating, engaged or married. I think that might be part of the reason why I, for so long, felt like there was something wrong with me for not being married yet. I believed that a key piece of my identity was in this other person who didn’t seem to exist.
Even now, having worked through that season, when people ask me about any romantic entanglements, and I say I’m pretty content as is, there’s either disbelief or shock, as if the driving force of a single person should be to end that singleness, and anyone who says otherwise is either off their rocker or in denial.
It’s kind of fun to see it now, but looking back a few years ago, I can see how I and others could get their minds askew and see themselves as incomplete, flawed or just plain unlovable.