straight talk about the dreaded DTR

I was out to dinner with three of my (single guy) friends awhile ago, and (as inevitably seems to happen in groups of single people) The Subject came up.  “There’s this girl…”

They’d been spending a lot of time together; he was pretty sure she was into him; he really just wanted to be friends.  So he told her they “needed to talk.”  “It’s time we had the DTR,” he told us.

One of the guys (who isn’t a Christian) looked at him blankly.  “What’s a DTR?” he asked.

“It’s a ‘define the relationship’ conversation,” explained our other friend.  “It’s mostly a Christian thing, and it’s dumb.”

Um.  Yes.

I have suffered through entirely too many of these conversations myself, and I am grateful to say that all except two of them ended up well (tho with vast amounts of Extreme Awkwardness between the DTR and the eventual end results).  Others have not been so lucky, and I am so, so sorry.

photo courtesy of ©Depositphotos.com / ridofranz

I’m not saying there’s never a need for a conversation about ‘what’s up’ – just to clarify expectations and boundaries – but is there anything that strikes more fear into the heart of a Christian girl (or guy) than knowing there’s going to be A Conversation and not knowing how it will go?  This One Conversation is going to Change Everything – and there are no guarantees.  You might like her, and she might think you’re the best little brother ever.  He might be totally into you, but you might feel like you need some space.  But you have No Idea.  So you “need to Talk.”

Talk about stressful…

Can I lobby for a crazy alternative?

Honesty.
At. All. Times.

The best “DTR”s I’ve had didn’t even feel like survival.  They weren’t planned in advance (to my knowledge); I didn’t even see them coming.  They were just a casual: “so, by the way, just in case you need to know, here’s where I’m at, and I love our friendship.”  Smack in the middle of a conversation about other things, and moving right on to other things.  And sure, there was a moment in there for me to respond, but I really didn’t need to, because the only possible response was “Okay.  Thanks for letting me know.  I love our friendship, too.”

But the ones that have been more like emotional boot camp?  They were pre-meditated, planned-in-advance, both-parties-aware-of-what’s-coming Conversations.  Except for the part where you didn’t know what the other person was going to say, and weren’t sure you wanted to.

What if we quit elevating these Conversations to Life-Altering Moments and were just straight up with each other from the get-go?

What if we had the guts to say – at the very beginning of any relationship: “I really enjoy spending time with you.  Can we take our time and just hang out and see where this goes?”  or  “I really enjoy spending time with you.  I don’t really see this becoming romantic, but I’d love to keep making time with you a priority.  How do you feel about it?”

What if we simply just talked to each other, dispensed with games, and told the truth?

I know – that’s crazy.  Cultural insanity, even.

But… what if?

Food for thought.