single (sara’s story)

Today’s post in this series on singleness and the church is a guest post by my dear friend, Sara Rendall.

I grew up in the church; my parents raised me in youth groups and bible studies, and I always just assumed I would finish school, go to college, meet Prince Charming, get married, and raise babies. That is just what being a woman looked like in the universe I grew up in.

Unintentionally, my father started to change that expectation in my mind as I got older; he encouraged me to participate in any activity that made me happy and to work hard at developing my intelligent side as well. I began to realize that I was part of that “smart” group of people that exist in every classroom, loved to learn, and I was happiest with my nose in a book. I had a good group of close friends through pretty much every stage of my life, so I was never really lonely. But I was (and really still am; I’m just better at faking now) kind of awkward socially and never really comfortable in big groups of people or being the center of attention. I valued time alone. So dating has always been rough and I never put a premium on having a boyfriend, though I did have a few during high school and a very serious one all through college.

During all this self-discovery I became seriously disenchanted with the church. I was a hot mess and never felt comfortable around “churchy” people who seemed to have it all together. I was not a “popular girl”, I didn’t have a boy on my arm at all times and I didn’t feel like I needed to. So I drifted away from the church and from God. In some ways, it was the best thing that could have happened to me because I learned a lot during that time.

I learned that honesty is always better; being who you are even if it’s hard and messy is the best option.

I learned to be ok with the fact that I don’t have it all together.

I learned not to hold on to regret for things in the past since I can’t change them now and all I can do is keep moving forward and try to do better next time.

I learned how to be friends with people of the opposite sex without all the tension of wondering if we were going to “hook-up”.

And most importantly, I learned to value people for who they are and who they have the potential to be, but to always love them where they are at.

I made some less than awesome choices while I was away from God; I drank a lot, I had a lot of toxic relationships, I wasn’t smart with my money, and eventually while living in Florida barely scraping by I found out I was pregnant. I high-tailed it back home to Illinois and quickly got myself onto a better track. Eventually all this adult behavior led me to start thinking about church. I wanted my son to grow up knowing the stories I knew and believing in a real God. Because even when I was far from Him, I never doubted that He was there and that I could cry out to Him in my despair. And I know on several occasions He pulled me out of dark emotional places and dangerous situations that I shouldn’t have escaped from.

So I returned to church. I have never felt judgment for being a single mom, thankfully. I have also never been ashamed of being a single mom so I never expected to feel judged or to be ostracized. I am blessed to have found a church that doesn’t ever make me feel that way and has always shown my son and I massive amounts of love. But I did begin to encounter some thinking that I didn’t realize even existed within the church. I discovered that friendships with the opposite sex are not common and not well understood in the Church as a whole, that loving people where they are without judgment is not always a natural response, and most surprisingly, I discovered that single people are often treated as second class citizens in the church.

Think about it; when was the last time you heard more than just a small dose of how to navigate relationships as a single person coming from the pulpit? In the two years I have been back in church, I have survived not one, but 2 multi-week sermon series on married relationships. I do my best to glean what I can from those messages and God always speaks to me in some small way, but I have welcomed reasons to miss church during those times. “Oh, you need someone to fill a spot in Sunday school? I’ve got you covered! Today’s message is about sex, which I’m not even supposed to be thinking about since I’m single, so I don’t think I will miss anything!” *insert sarcastic eye roll here*

As I have studied and developed my relationship with God, I keep wondering when the church got so off track in regards to relationships. Paul mentions staying single far more times than I would have expected based on current church culture. In fact, when I finally got around to reading Corinthians for myself, I was almost shocked to see the words “Do not look for a wife” and just as few sentences later “But those who marry will face many troubles in this life” (1 Cor 7:27-28 NIV). When did we buy into the lie that we, as people, but especially as women, aren’t complete unless we have our “other half”?  (And it’s not just the church that feeds girls that lie; Google Cameron Diaz’s statements on how the media deals with single women.) Where did God ever say that just because women were created from a living breathing slice of man, that he didn’t give us whole and complete souls all our own? When did we forget that Jesus himself said our family is made up of those who trust and worship God, not just our blood relations and spouse? When did we decide marriage was the goal, not simply a reflection of the intimacy we will get to enjoy with God one day?

Over the last year, God has been teaching me a lot about being single and being whole. He has been teaching me that focusing on my relationship status is just wrong. I am a whole and beautiful person made in God’s image regardless of whether or not there is pretty jewelry on my left ring finger.

So maybe, there is a reason some of us stay single for longer seasons than others. Maybe God has different plans for us single Christians.

God is teaching me that I am not defined by being single. I am defined by Him. And he has other work for me.

© 2014 Sara Rendall

Sara Rendall is a Jesus Girl and mom to the most adorable and awesome 4 year old boy; writing has always been her therapy of choice, but enjoying a good night at the theatre is a close second. When she isn’t being a mom or putting pen to paper, she prefers to be knitting or reading anything she can get her hands on and thanks God daily for the internet and all the ways it provides a constant stream of amazing reading material right to her pocket. Her current blog obsessions include Jen Hatmaker, Sarah Bessey, Glennon Melton and of course her dear friend Happy.

Sara writes sporadically about Life, As It Is… at lexicaltherapy.blogspot.com.