My mom and my grandmother were both single mothers. My mom later got re-married, although my grandmother never did. She is as single as single comes, and she’s never said anything about feeling “less than” in the church; what she says is that God provides, no matter what.
Both my mom and my grandmother were extremely active and involved in the church, and had rich, deep relationships, not only with God, but with other women and men within their church circles. My grandmother even opened her home to young single college students that couldn’t afford to live on their own.
When my mom got re-married the summer I was turning 7, my grandmother never felt badly about still being single. My mom didn’t start treating my grandmother differently because she was married now, and Grandma was not. It didn’t change their relationship, because their relationship was built on respect and love for one another, not their marital status. That, I find, is one of the most important aspects of any relationship or friendship: love and respect.
You might be getting the picture now, my Mom was one of the young college students, toting a tiny little sprout of a girl behind her, that my Grandma took under her wing. And my Grandma’s son is the man my Mom re-married. So, as a very young child, I lived in a house full of single college students, living underneath the roof of a very strong single Christian woman. If you think about it, I basically lived the first 6 years of my life navigating through single relationships. This life is about victory in God, that is still being reworked and rewritten, but that is a story for another time.
This is my experience of singleness in the church: strong women of faith loving God and their neighbors within a community of believers.
When my single friends talk about not being treated with respect or honored for who they are, I am honestly shocked! I saw how God worked in the lives of those “single” women in my life and the lives of countless others, and they never let it define who they were within the church. They didn’t let a status symbol define them. They didn’t let men or women define them. They found their definition and value from God.
I grew up not even seeing people within the church as “married” or “single”. My Grandma and Mom never felt ostracized because of their singleness; they felt loved and accepted, because they were people. People who needed other people, and ultimately needed God! So when I hear that singles feel alone and ostracized in church, I think, “What have I done? I never saw them as ‘different.’ I haven’t seen anyone else treating them as though there is something ‘wrong’ with them. So how did this happen? What changed? Why do they feel this way?”
I want to fix this thinking. I want people to see what I see.
We all need one another. We all want to feel valued and loved in this life. And the only way I’ve only found that value and love is through Jesus.
When I talk to my friends about life, love and everything in between, I’m talking to them because I just need to talk, because I just need a friend… I grew up where there was no definition of “complete” associated with being married. It doesn’t matter to me if my friends are married or not. It matters that we value the friendship that we’ve built together.
I’ve been single – I know the heartache of being alone at Valentine’s Day, of feeling left out, or being a third wheel. I remember what it was like to be dating, and trying to figure out if a person was right or wrong for me. So I feel like I can relate to the experiences of my single friends, and I’d like them to feel that they can talk to me about what it’s like for them, even if they think I don’t understand. I might not understand completely. But I am here for you. I am here to listen to you. To cry to. To hold onto!
And yes, I am married now, so I need to be able talk to my single friends about what it’s like to be married, because that’s a part of my life now, but I also just need to talk to someone who sees me, the real me – I don’t need them to understand what it’s like to be married. I don’t need them to tell me they understand. I just need them to listen, and let me cry, and be my shoulder to lean on. You might not think about this, but many married people can feel just as alone, just as left out and pushed aside as their single friends sometimes do. Please don’t think of me as “married.” Think of me as your friend, who needs you, and wants to be here for you, too.
We need each other. So let’s love and respect each other where we’re at, because everyone else’s walk (whether married or single) is just as difficult as our own.
And if you think for a second that I’m treating you a certain way because you’re “single” – please, let’s talk about that. Because I never want you to feel like you are unimportant or overlooked. I never thought of you as “second-class” within the church. I think of you as an ally in this world, facing a foe that neither of us can defeat without leaning on Jesus, and linking arms and holding on to one another.
And guess what? I don’t care about your status! I think you are amazing! Because you really and truly are.
© 2014 Shara Wright
Shara Wright is a hardcore Momma to four children she affectionately calls ‘Monsters’. She and her hubby, Aaron, are still trying to figure this ‘marriage thing’ out, after almost 9 years together, and despite everything falling apart some days, they realize they are perfect for each other in a weird nerdy way through the grace of God! She lives her life with her heart on her sleeve, a little bit of rock n’ roll, and a whole lotta’ Jesus. Shara blogs when inspired at sharawright.wordpress.com.
