A few weeks ago, I shared an article in which Dale Fincher responded to a quote from John Piper concerning emotional blackmail, and I mentioned that reading it had helped me realize how I needed to un-learn some of the incredibly unhealthy conflict management skills I’d been taught. I’ve been thinking about all of this for days now, and let me tell you from first-hand experience: the truth really will set you free.
I can’t even begin to count the number of sermons, lectures, discussions, and books I’ve heard and read about conflict management and relational boundaries, etc., etc. over the past 20+ years – and one of the messages I’ve heard over and over again is that healthy conflict language should include the words “I’m sorry if…”
I’m sorry if what I said was offensive to you; I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry if my words were hurtful; that wasn’t my intention.
photo courtesy of ©Depositphotos.com / chesterf
I’ve heard this sentiment expressed again and again, and (I’m so sorry) I’ve probably said similar things myself – because I was told it was right. And if we don’t pause to really consider what we’re saying, it can seem so kind. We’re acknowledging: “I hurt you, I didn’t mean to, and I’m sorry you’re hurting.” Seems truthful enough…
But here’s something also true: we hurt someone. Their pain is real, and we caused it. And when we use the words “I’m sorry if…” and “I didn’t mean to…” we are actually doing two incredibly un-kind things: 1) we’re suggesting that they might not actually be as hurt as they think they are; and 2) we’re distancing ourselves from any responsibility for their pain.
The long-term ramification of this kind of language is the creation of a culture in which those who are hurt do not feel free to express the truth about how they feel, for fear that their pain will be discounted or seen as illegitimate. It also creates a culture in which arrogance and narcissism may easily take root, as people become more and more comfortable refusing to take responsibility for their actions.
It does not matter what you intended or didn't intend. If you've hurt someone, you need to say you're sorry. Share on XJust: “I’m sorry.”
Not “I didn’t mean it” or “I didn’t intend…” Just: “I’m sorry.”
That’s it.
No explanations. No defense.
In my experience, the honesty, humility, and kindness that we can express with those two simple words can go further and faster towards healing a relational rift than anything else we might say. Will there be time for talking it out later, for explaining our intentions, for clarifying the situation? Probably. Maybe. Maybe not. It doesn’t matter. Right now, the only words needed are: “I’m sorry.”
The moment in which we are faced with someone looking us in the eye and telling us that they are hurting and that it is our fault, we have got to fight our stupid self-defensiveness and simply say we’re sorry.
Because that is what love does.
Love cares more about any harm done to the one it loves than it does for its own reputation. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) In the context of healing relational rifts: it patiently seeks to understand, and kindly addresses truth. It doesn’t wish that this was easier and try to avoid conflict, it doesn’t boast about being right (even if, in truth, it is), it isn’t too proud to apologize. It doesn’t dishonour the reality of the other’s pain, it doesn’t seek to prove itself right, it doesn’t get mad that there is ‘drama’, and it doesn’t pull out a laundry list of past offenses to justify its behaviour. It protects the other by owning responsibility for harm done, it trusts in the power of love and relationship to get past this to a better day, it hopes for healing and for the best, and it perseveres through the situation until both parties are alright enough to carry on (no matter how long it takes).
It’s work. But it is worth it.
(Sidenote: I would be remiss to not add this: If you are hurting, you cannot need an apology in order to forgive. Forgiveness is on you, and not on your offender.
It is okay to want one. To acknowledge that it would be better if you had one.
But you cannot wait for it.)
Fincher quoted the words of Jesus from the Sermon on the Mount: “But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, “Raca,” is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, “You fool!” will be in danger of the fire of hell. Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”
There’s an old saying from the ’80s about reading Scripture: always ask what the “therefore” is there for. (Horrible grammar, but you take my point.)
Why is the “therefore” in this passage there?
If we take Jesus at His word right here, essentially what He’s saying is: if you’re angry enough to be derisive of someone who’s like family, you’re angry enough to have some serious issues (like experiencing judgment, going to court, or maybe even to hell if you’re really out of control).
THEREFORE: if you know that someone is that angry with you – what are you doing, being all pious and acting like it doesn’t matter? THIS MATTERS.
What if we loved so well that we learned to be swift to apologize without trying to justify ourselves? What if we loved so well that we learned to see it when we’d hurt someone, and no one ever even had to come to us to say, “you hurt me”? What if we knew ourselves, were in touch with our flawed motivations and selfishness, and what if we knew our friends, our spouses, our kids, our families, our neighbors so well that we would just know, instinctively, when something we’d said or done was out of line, and we didn’t need them to tell us?
It would revolutionize reconciliation.
So to whom do you need to apologize today, and for what? Do you have the courage to be so humble and bold, so kind and loving, to say “I’m sorry” without excuses or self-justification? Do you have the guts to admit that you caused harm – maybe deeper harm that you could have ever imagined possible – and to humbly apologize?
It is no easy question. But it is one worth asking.
Dale Fincher
April 22, 2015Superbly said! Love this. Sharing with the Freedom Builders.
One day we should have a conversation on your parenthetical about the necessity of forgiving.
Happy
April 22, 2015Thanks, Dale! I’m honored that you’d share it, and hope it’s as helpful to others as your post was to me.
I’ll look forward to that conversation!
Bill Kracke
April 22, 2015This reminds me of wise advice I received in a recovery program. To paraphrase: When you’ve dropped your end of the relationship you are carrying with someone, you focus on your end. “I’m sorry I dropped my end.” You don’t worry about their end, you don’t try to justify your actions. You are apologizing because you wronged someone. It is that simple.
The pressure (culturally and internally) to minimize our own actions, to justify them in some way is huge. Our legal system is full of mitigating circumstances. We are drawn to phrases that either imply (or outright say) “you played a part, too” or “if you saw it my way, you’d see I was justified. you must be mistaken.”
In recovery, the formula was simple: I have wronged you. I am sorry. Can you forgive me? Is there anything you need me to do to make this right?
The simple beauty of this: When the answer is “yes, I forgive you. An apology was all I needed,” you can actually believe it.
Happy
April 22, 2015Well said, friend. Thanks for sharing that.
“I have wronged you. I am sorry. Can you forgive me? Is there anything you need me to do to make this right?” is a beautiful formula.
Carey P
April 28, 2015I was thinking the same thing as I was reading this.
This is a struggle for me when I need to apologize to my kids. I want to justify my yelling or lack of understanding/empathy.
Humility is key in reconciliation. Recognizing the damage we inflicted and being humble enough to ask for forgiveness.
Thanks for this post!