photo courtesy of ©Depositphotos.com / warrengoldswain
i had intended to write a really abstract post about this – a post that joked about the dichotomy between the two main perspectives that seem to exist for single Christians:
“pity us!”
“we are not to be pitied!”
because if we are totally honest, those of us who are single can find ourselves thinking each of those things (sometimes in the space of less than 5 minutes) – and yet we expect everyone around us to understand our perspective (in spite of the fact that it changed without notice and is completely the opposite of what we just said).
this has got to be hard on the rest of you. (it’s hard enough on us!)
so my plan was to write a very funny and abstract thank-you-for-putting-up-with-that post (from an i’ve-got-this-all-figured-out-and-can-therefore-jest-about-it perspective) and call it good.
but there was a moment this weekend in which i found myself living smack in the middle of both perspectives at once, and reeling from the cognitive and emotional dissonance.
and it wasn’t abstract anymore.
i started this series by saying that one of the toughest things about being single in the church is feeling like “everyone” thinks that singleness is something that needs to be fixed – when it isn’t. but can i tell you about the flip side of that problem?
it’s thinking that singleness is something that needs to be fixed…
it’s one thing if i think “everyone else” thinks it. i can tell “them” they’re wrong.
but what if i think it?
what if i, as a single person, think that there’s something missing from my life because I don’t have a spouse?
that’s harder to get around.
i can talk all i want to about how the church has idolized marriage to the point where we think that meeting someone and getting married and having a family will teach us things about having a relationship with God that we can’t possibly learn anywhere else – but the truth is that while i recognize it as a lie, while i recognize that God is not keeping a piece of Himself from me just because I’m not married and don’t have kids – sometimes i still feel that it might be true. i still think that i am missing out, even tho i know that i’m not.
i am ridiculously blessed in my friendships. i have friends that have stuck with me since grade school. i have friends that have walked me thru the toughest seasons of my life and are still here. these friends have taught me thru the longevity of their friendship about the love and trust i can place in God, because His loving-kindness and mercy is even more steadfast than theirs. i have friends who can cheer me up in five seconds flat just by walking into the room, because i know that i am completely loved, accepted, appreciated, and valued by them for who i am, and that even if i say or do the dumbest thing ever, we will still be okay. these friends have taught me with the gift of their presence what it is to be loved and valued by God.
i know that there will always be more to learn about God, that it will always be further up and further in with Him – that every relationship and experience i have will teach me more, and that my experiences and friendships are enough; i am not lacking anything because i’m not married.
there is nothing to pity here. my life is full, and i am richly blessed.
but there are moments. moments that come out of nowhere and sucker-punch my confidence that i am alright as i am. moments when i walk past the maternity department in a store and randomly burst into tears because i will probably never get to wear those clothes. moments when i listen to someone talking smack about their spouse and wonder if i could ever take the gift of one person for granted like that. moments when i feel so incredibly alone that i can barely breathe for the pain of it. i’m sorry if you think that is over-dramatic. but loss is loss, and the death of a dream is no small thing.
it is to be pitied: this loneliness, this grief. no one should have to feel this way.
but don’t pity me. i am learning that God is so much more okay with paradox than i am, and that i can say truthfully that my life is full and blessed and rejoice in that – and yet still grieve the loss of something i don’t have.
you will hear those words again, i’m sure.
“pity us!”
“we are not to be pitied!”
and we mean it. all of it. 😉
so what you should you do?
just be there. cry when we cry, laugh when we laugh – and we will do the same for you.
