when the little things are the end of the world

My car wouldn’t start this morning.

This car is eighteen years old and has over 211,000 miles on it.  It’s freezing cold out there.  It’s allowed not to start every once and awhile.  It’s earned that much.

But I found myself texting the friend on whom I had to cancel: “I really did not need this today.  :/  Tho when does anybody…”

It’s such a first world problem.  I know it.  And on the up side, I wasn’t on the way to an interview. I didn’t miss a chance at being respectably employed again because my car wouldn’t start.  That was a blessing, and I recognize it as such.

But sitting behind the wheel of my dear old car this morning, listening to it sputtering instead of starting, I was ready to lose it.  I was sorely tempted to post a rant to the universe on Facebook, something like:  — feeling frustrated.  It would be nice if just ONE thing could maybe go right this week.  If maybe JUST ONCE, something good could come along, because my life has completely sucked for the past three months, and I am over it!!!

But common sense and a self-conscious desire to not be that person took over, and I didn’t post it.  Instead, I got a friend to jumpstart my car, and I drove it around for awhile.  Stopped for gas, and told my car, out loud: “I really need you to start up again in a few, ok?”  Splurged on a car wash because boy, does she ever need one.  Uttered a silent prayer and turned the key.  Drove around the corner to the car wash – to find it was “temporarily closed for maintenance.”  You have got to be kidding me.  Dear local gas station, if your car wash is closed, please don’t offer me the option of buying a car wash.  I don’t care if the code is good for ten days, I wanted a car wash today!!! 

I know, I know.  First world problems.

It wasn’t the end of the world.

But for about thirty seconds, it really kind of felt like it.

So I did the only sensible thing.  I went to Starbucks and ordered a venti soy no-water chai tea latté.

Because the thing is, when the little things are the end of the world, it’s a signal that something else (much bigger) is wrong, and we need to attend to it.  And “attending to it” should include some sort of kindness towards ourselves, because we are far more likely to tell the whole truth when we feel cared for.

So here are some things that are true: My life has not completely sucked for the past three months.  I am unemployed, not unloved.  I am poor, but not completely destitute – at least, not yet.  I have amazing friends, who show up with the best of intentions, and are often incredibly helpful and supportive.  (And when they aren’t, it’s not because they meant to be awful – it’s just because they’re human, and it’s okay.)  I have so many things to be thankful for, and I truly am thankful.

But these other things are also true: job hunting (along with the constant rejection and the feelings of invisibility and inadequacy that come with it) is hard.  Leaving two jobs and a life that I loved because I had no choice was hard.  Trying to trust God for His provision and plan wisely for the future while the balance in my bank account dwindles rapidly is hard.  And in the middle of all of it, I am turning forty, having a bit of a midlife crisis, facing real questions about how I do/do not define success, feeling guilty for worrying about not being able to find a job, trying to be a good friend to people who have their own things going on, and valiantly trying not to let myself feel depressed or hopeless – when in truth, there are so many moments these days when I really do.

It’s kind of a lot.

No wonder the little things have started to seem like the end of the world.  Because they’re small and visible and easier to deal with than the larger abstract questions like: “What am I going to do?” and “God, I know You’re with me, but…”

I’ve been reading along with If:Equip in Hebrews, and a portion of a verse from Hebrews 2:8-9 jumped out at me a few days ago.  The passage is talking about how everything is subject to Christ’s authority, and it goes on to say, “At present, we do not yet see everything in subjection to Him. But we see Him…”

It’s in the moments when the little things are the end of the world that we need to pause, look at what’s really going on behind the scenes of our temporarily fragile emotions, and remember what we need most.

We need to see You, Jesus.  Here and now, in the midst of all this crazy, mixed-up, wild and beautiful, sometimes-feels-like-way-too-much life.  We need to be reminded of the simple truths that matter most: that You love us, that we’re forgiven, that You have a plan and a purpose, and that You honor the hearts that long to serve You.

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” –  Psalm 27:14 (NIVUK)