Can I tell you something really personal? You know, just between us and the rest of the internet?
I’m re-discovering something about myself this Lenten season, but I find myself wanting to qualify it with phrases like “I might be,” and “a little bit,” and “maybe.” So I’ll tell you: I might be a little bit of a control freak. Maybe. (But just so you know, it’s true. Pretty much.)
Hi, my name is Happy, and I’m a control freak. At least, sometimes.
On the up side, it means that when someone needs to step up and lead the way or make a decision about something, and no one else wants to, I’m your girl. I’ll tell you what to do if you need me to. I’ll even put in some time and learn some new things and do a lot of research so I know what I’m talking about (because I do like to feel like I am actually qualified to tell you what to do).
But there are down sides – especially when I feel like I’m not in control of something I want to control. (That’s when my inner toddler kicks in.)
It seemed like such a simple plan: when I chose to give up my unhealthy sleep patterns for Lent, I was choosing to become more disciplined, to put myself in control of something I thought I could and should control, because I believe that getting enough rest is important, and I knew that a more consistent sleep schedule would help me manage my emotions better. Winter in the Midwest can be long, cold, and disheartening, and job hunting can feel that way, too. A healthy frame of mind is almost a requirement for surviving either one of them, much less both at once. Clearly, healthy sleep patterns were a great idea.
But creating them is turning out to be a lot harder than I expected.
Last week I realized that I needed to start paying more attention to my motivations for staying up “too late.” I knew that basic selfishness about my time was part of the problem, but I’ve only just realized over the past couple of days that – at least recently – when I choose to stay up late even when I know I’m tired, it’s because I feel incredibly out of control right now, and – weirdly, staying up late because I can, seems to be filling my perceived need to control something. I should go to bed when I’m tired – but I can choose not to.
photo courtesy of ©Depositphotos.com / jomaplaon
Seriously, am I two? I recall having this same battle with any number of toddlers… “You are sooooo tired. Just go to sleep!” Oy.
I thought briefly about titling this post “the one about control” – but found I really didn’t want to. You know, because I’m only maybe a little bit sort of a control freak, and I don’t want to sound like I have issues. So I looked up the word control in an online thesaurus to see if it had any convenient synonyms that might be a little less obvious… and suddenly there were words for why I’m battling with my inner (anti-sleep) child:
restriction, dominion, limitation – words that describe the way I feel about my well-intentioned plan to control my sleep patterns in a positive way. My self-imposed structure feels restrictive, domineering, and limiting, and I don’t like it, so I’m rebelling internally and fighting myself for control of my sleep habits.
Because of the antonyms of control: words like chaos, weakness, helplessness, powerlessness. Words that describe the way I feel in the midst of all the stress that comes with looking for a new job and not being able to find one.
I could really use some joy.
But I am not going to find it by staying up idiotically late, and so I will soldier on thru Lent and keep fighting myself into wiser patterns of thought and behaviour. And I will wait and keep on waiting, however impatiently and imperfectly, for the resurrection of my hope.
This post is part of a series called Adventures In Lent, co-hosted by Arman Sheffey at armansheffey.com. This week’s link-up is right here at Simple Felicity, so just go ahead and add your link per the instructions below.
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