the one woman Christian men should marry

In December 2014, a pastor named Stephen Kim (of whom I had never heard) posted an article on his blog, nycpastor.com, entitled Ten Men Christian Women Should Not Marry.  It got a little bit of press in social media circles, but not much.

Until he published a follow-up article: Ten Women Christian Men Should Not Marry. And that is, as they say, when the $@#&%*! hit the fan.

If the statistics at the end of his post are true, it seems that second article has seen more than ten million Facebook shares (as compared to the more than three million since received by the original article).  It’s gotten press on Christianity Today‘s website as well as on blogs and newspapers, and a great deal of the reaction has been incredibly negative.

Kim has since written posts describing his bewilderment at the overwhelmingly negative reaction, claiming that he was simply and accurately citing what the Bible says.

Better theologians than I am have already taken down the majority of his arguments; I won’t try to do that here.  If you want to know where the flaws in his arguments are, drop me an email, and I will try to point you to some resources that will help you sort out the issues for yourself.  In the meantime, I just want to tell you what bugs me about the press that these articles are getting.

First: Kim’s interpretation of Scripture is narrow-minded, and does not take into account the cultural and historical settings in which the Bible was written.  As a result, he simply and accurately misinterprets Scripture, and forms a world-view that isn’t completely biblical, while claiming that it is.  Of course other Christians are responding negatively – because he’s speaking on behalf of the Church, and we would not all say the things he is saying, and yet our friends and neighbors who don’t know Jesus are seeing this article get shared around, and they think we think this stuff is true!  There’s some truth in some of what he says.  But it’s not all true – and it breaks my heart to know that there are people out there who have read these posts and who think that they somehow accurately reflect what Christians think.

Second: I find many of Kim’s suggestions to be subjective and gender-biased.  Included in his list of the sorts of men Christian women should not marry are things like: younger, angry, self-absorbed, addicts, dishonest, idle men.  Younger?  Really?  You can’t even get that from Scripture.  Ok, some of the other descriptors on his list are character flaws that it would be healthy to avoid.  I won’t argue his point there.  But then look at the list of traits he says to avoid in women: they’re older, feminists, immodest, gossipers, women who don’t want to have children, they prioritize their careers, and they love to travel.

Excuse me?! What about women who don’t want to have children because they would rather adopt kids who don’t have a home?  What about women who want to see the world because God made it?  What about women who pursue careers because God calls them to?  Wanting to travel does not signify discontent in God.  Wanting to work does not mean that we do not love our children.  And don’t even get me started on feminism, because he clearly does not know what it is.  (I’m not sure he knows what modesty is, either.)  His list is ridiculous, poorly supported by Scripture and common sense, and quite honestly insulting to women.  Being single in the church is difficult enough without having to deal with ridiculous and biased standards.

And in case you were wondering, no, gentlemen, you shouldn’t marry a woman who has serious anger issues, nor one who is self-absorbed, idle, dishonest, or who exhibits addictive behaviors, any more than a woman should marry a man who gossips.  It should be about her character, and not her career – about her heart, and not the number of countries she wants to visit some day.

Third: these lists are so incredibly negative.  Since when is it okay to judge a person solely by their character flaws?  I’m not saying for one second that you should not be wise and aware of those flaws, or that red flags about someone’s character should ever be avoided.  But when you’re looking for a spouse, you should be looking for the things that matter!

And so I propose to you, in opposition to all this craziness, the one woman every Christian man should marry:

• the one who loves Jesus, deeply and passionately
• the one who will love you faithfully and tremendously for the rest of your life
• the one who will marry you because she believes, as you do, that you will serve God better together than you can on your own
• the one who is committed to making this marriage work, and will do the hard work of loving you when you are at your worst
• the one who, because of that commitment, will do the hard work of letting you love her when she is at her worst
• the one who will pray for you, because she knows that only God can change your heart and mend your soul
• the one who will stand by you while He continues to make you more like Jesus
• the one who will tell you hard truth when you need to hear it, and who will listen when you need to do the same

And oh, she is so many other things: kind, compassionate, and maybe a million other positive things – but most importantly, she’s your equal.  She is as loved and as valued by the King of Heaven as you are, and whether you travel the world together or stay home and assume ‘traditional’ household roles – she is the one who will kneel beside you as you discern the voice of God together, and as you go together where He leads, to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a world that needs to know His love.

photo courtesy of ©Depositphotos.com /runzelkorn